Reminder

Paris is what she is.
I have to stop living as if I'm living my life in Paris. Instead, I need to live in her.

I've been fighting to retain some of myself, to be who I thought I was.

to keep the ideals of what I know, and even I am less than American. But I should not continue on this way, living as if I am who I was, or that I am who I am. I have to let go of my past and be . here . now .

I'm watching The Dreamers and I see myself in the boy American. Changing shyly in the corner, hiding my body, embarrassed of being nude, embarrassed of exposing myself. This is not literal, but the idea. Americans are born of a war, bred on a Puritanical history, we are not free as we'd like to think we are. This is not political. This is life.

I should not be ashamed. I should not be so self-aware. I should not be so considerate. I should be .... free. And freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Paris is not outside me. Paris is not away or a place in which I inhabit. She is contagious. She is infiltrating. She is embracing. Despite political leaders. She is shy on the bus, staring in the lines, judgmental in your appearance. She is. But yet she allows for eccentricity and encourages it. She wants you to be who you are and judges only when you, yourself, are judging you. She can see these things. She reads the uncomfortability on your face. She scorns you for this. She wants... more than anything... for you to be you. For you to be crazy or nuts or scandalous or boring. Be normal or insane. Be quiet or shouting.

I need a greve.

I need to feel Paris shut down and let us all be naked on the streets together. Frustrated. Resisting bureaucracy. But for now she is calm and she is begging me to live.